969 private quotes tagged funny

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'” — Rita Rudner

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“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.” — Megan Fox

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“Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.” — John Krasinski

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“I rant, therefore I am.” — Dennis Miller

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“Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.” — William Arthur Ward

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“If man knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.” — O. Henry

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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.” — Emo Philips

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“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth

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“It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.” — Alan Ladd

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“The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.” — Arthur C. Clarke

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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.” — Denis Leary

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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” — Robert Orben

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” — Cathy Guisewite

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“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.” — Tom Hiddleston

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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.” — J. K. Rowling

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“Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.” — Luis Bunuel

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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.” — Joan Rivers

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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.” — Joan Rivers

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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin

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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.” — Robert Benchley

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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” — Chris Rock

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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.” — Rob Corddry

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“One man's folly is another man's wife.” — Helen Rowland

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