969 private quotes tagged funny

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“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”— Winston Churchill
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“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.”— H. L. Mencken
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“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.”— Charles M. Schulz
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“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.”— Victor Hugo
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“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.”— Elbert Hubbard
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“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”— George Burns
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“It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.”— Robert Frost
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“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.”— Will Rogers
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“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”— George Bernard Shaw
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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”— Mitch Hedberg
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“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.”— Logan P. Smith
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“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.”— Oliver Herford
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“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”— Johnny Carson
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“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”— Johnny Carson
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“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”— Woody Allen
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“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”— Bob Hope
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“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”— Woody Allen
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“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”— Steven Wright
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“The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.”— Al Gore
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“I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.”— E. B. White