969 private quotes tagged funny

“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”— P. J. O'Rourke

“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.”— Joe Rogan

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”— Jay Leno

“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”— William Lyon Phelps

“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”— Robin Williams

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”— David Lee Roth

“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.”— Bette Davis

“Men are only as loyal as their options.”— Bill Maher

“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.”— Frank Lloyd Wright

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”— Rita Rudner

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”— Bill Maher

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”— Billy Connolly

“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”— Brooke Shields

“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”— Emo Philips

“My life needs editing.”— Mort Sahl

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”— James Thurber

“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.”— Fred Allen

“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.”— Elayne Boosler

“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.”— Bette Davis

“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!”— Steve Martin

“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.”— Lewis Black

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”— Jerry Seinfeld

“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.”— Samuel Goldwyn

“It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.”— Alan Ladd

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”— Rob Corddry