Topic

funny

969 quotes

Quotes

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“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.”— Bette Davis
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“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!”— Steve Martin
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“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”— Emo Philips
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“It's a funny thing about me. I don't have any interest in food most of the time now, although when I was a kid I was always hungry.”— Alan Ladd
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“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”— Tracey Ullman
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“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”— Rita Rudner
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“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”— Robin Williams
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“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.”— Henry A. Kissinger
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“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.”— Bette Davis
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“Men are only as loyal as their options.”— Bill Maher
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“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.”— Frank Lloyd Wright
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“If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.”— Marcelene Cox
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“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”— Bill Maher
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“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.”— Emo Philips
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“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”— Brooke Shields
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“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.”— Joe E. Lewis
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“My life needs editing.”— Mort Sahl
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“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”— Jerry Seinfeld
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“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.”— Fred Allen
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“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.”— Samuel Goldwyn
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“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”— Rob Corddry
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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”— Ellen DeGeneres
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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.”— Denis Leary
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“Communism is like one big phone company.”— Lenny Bruce
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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”— Joan Rivers