Topic

funny

969 quotes

Quotes

Popular first

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“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”— Ellen DeGeneres
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“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.”— Elayne Boosler
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“Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.”— Denis Leary
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“Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.”— Cathy Guisewite
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“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”— Joan Rivers
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“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”— Joan Rivers
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“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”— Robert Orben
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“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”— Steve Martin
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“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”— Robert Benchley
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“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.”— Cathy Guisewite
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“The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.”— Arthur C. Clarke
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“One man's folly is another man's wife.”— Helen Rowland
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“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.”— Ellen DeGeneres
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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”— Henny Youngman
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“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.”— Lewis Black
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“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”— Chris Rock
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“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.”— Fred Allen
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“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”— Robert Benchley
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“I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”— Mae West
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“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.”— Tallulah Bankhead
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“Never fight an inanimate object.”— P. J. O'Rourke
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“If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious.”— Tom Hiddleston
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“The middle class is so funny, it's the class I know best, and it's the class where you find the most pretension, so that's what makes the middle classes so funny.”— J. K. Rowling
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“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.”— Milton Berle
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“You see much more of your children once they leave home.”— Lucille Ball