969 private quotes tagged funny

“There are 2 things that will bring you success in life: 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.”

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“If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money, he'd jump out the window.” — Chris Rock

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“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx

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“I never look at the brass. It only encourages them.” — Thomas Beechum

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“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.” — Dave Barry

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“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“What's another word for Thesaurus?” — Steven Wright

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“I don't mean to be funny.” — Yogi Berra

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“Be obscure clearly.” — E. B. White

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“There are three kinds of lies: lies, d--n lies, and statistics.” — Mark Twain

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“One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.” — William Feather

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“I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.” — Robert Downey, Jr.

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“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.” — Tyrion Lannister

Source:Game of Thrones

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“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.” — Voltaire

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“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” — Calvin Coolidge

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“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”

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“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams

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“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.” — Albert Einstein

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“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.” — Mitch Hedberg

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“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright

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