969 private quotes tagged funny

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“There are 2 things that will bring you success in life: 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.”
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“If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money, he'd jump out the window.”— Chris Rock
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“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”— Groucho Marx
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“I never look at the brass. It only encourages them.”—  Thomas Beechum
30
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”— Rodney Dangerfield
30
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”— Mitch Hedberg
20
“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”— Mitch Hedberg
20
“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”— Dave Barry
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“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“What's another word for Thesaurus?”— Steven Wright
20
“I don't mean to be funny.”— Yogi Berra
10
“Be obscure clearly.”— E. B. White
10
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, d--n lies, and statistics.”— Mark Twain
10
“One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.”— William Feather
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“I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.”— Robert Downey, Jr.
10
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”— Robin Williams
10
“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.”— Tyrion Lannister
Source:Game of Thrones
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“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.”— Voltaire
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“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”— Calvin Coolidge
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“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”
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“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”— Woody Allen
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“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”— Albert Einstein
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“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”— Mitch Hedberg