“By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”
Topic
funny
969 quotes
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“There are 2 things that will bring you success in life: 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know.”
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
“I never look at the brass. It only encourages them.”
“My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character - I am that character... It's a complicated bag of tools I acquired, and I've put them all to work onstage.”
“If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money, he'd jump out the window.”
“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”
“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”
“What's another word for Thesaurus?”
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”
“I don't mean to be funny.”
“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”
“Quitting smoking is easy. I've done it a thousand times.”
“There are three kinds of lies: lies, d--n lies, and statistics.”
“A poet can survive everything but a misprint.”
“The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%.”
“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”
“It's to paint directly on the canvas without any funny business, as it were, and I use almost pure turpentine to start with, adding oil as I go along until the medium becomes pure oil. I use as little oil as I can possibly help, and that's my method.”
“If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.”
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
“I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.”