Steven Wright

“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”

“I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.”

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

“Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”

“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”

“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”