Topic

funny

969 quotes

Quotes

Popular first

1 0
“It is a good morning exercise for a research scientist to discard a pet hypothesis every day before breakfast. It keeps him young.”— Konrad Lorenz
1 0
“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”— Woody Allen
1 0
“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”— Mitch Hedberg
1 0
“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”— Mitch Hedberg
1 0
“When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.”— Jack Handey
1 0
“Be obscure clearly.”— E. B. White
1 0
“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.”— Will Rogers
1 0
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”— Mark Twain
1 0
“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”— Steven Wright
1 0
“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”— George Bernard Shaw
1 0
“One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.”— William Feather
1 0
“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.”— Walt Whitman
1 0
“I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.”— Robert Downey, Jr.
1 0
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”— Roy Orbison
1 0
“A poet can survive everything but a misprint.”— Oscar Wilde
1 0
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”— Jerry Seinfeld
1 0
“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”— Mitch Hedberg
1 0
“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”— Albert Einstein
1 0
“The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.'”— Richard Branson
1 0
“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”
1 0
“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.”— Tyrion Lannister
Source:Game of Thrones
1 0
“There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.”— Josh Billings
1 0
“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.”— Voltaire
1 0
“The Macintosh may only have 10% of the market, but it is clearly the top 10%.”— Douglas Adams
1 0
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”— Steven Wright