969 private quotes tagged funny

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“It is a good morning exercise for a research scientist to discard a pet hypothesis every day before breakfast. It keeps him young.”— Konrad Lorenz
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“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“I failed to make the chess team because of my height.”— Woody Allen
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“I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.”— Carl Sandburg
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“Be obscure clearly.”— E. B. White
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“If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.”— Will Rogers
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“One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute.”— William Feather
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“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”— Steven Wright
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“I read the script for Wonder Boys, and I said that was almost perfect, it was so classy, cool and funny. It's a really specific thing. We stuck to it, it turned out good and a lot of people liked it.”— Robert Downey, Jr.
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“I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.”— Walt Whitman
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“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”— George Bernard Shaw
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“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”— Roy Orbison
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“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”— Robin Williams
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“A poet can survive everything but a misprint.”— Oscar Wilde
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“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”— Mark Twain
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“A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.”— Jerry Seinfeld
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“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”— Calvin Coolidge
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“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”
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“When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”— Albert Einstein
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“Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”— Mitch Hedberg
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“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.”— Tyrion Lannister
Source:Game of Thrones
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“The funny thing is people won't let me pay for things. I'll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, 'Oh no, it's on the house.'”— Richard Branson
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“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.”— Voltaire
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“I never said most of the things I said.”— Yogi Berra