969 private quotes tagged funny

20
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance”— Franklin P. Adams
20
“Any customer can have a car painted any color that he wants so long as it is black.”— Henry Ford
20
“From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.”— Dr. Seuss
10
“Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.”— H. G. Wells
10
“My own business always bores me to death. I prefer other people's.”— Oscar Wilde
10
“When art critics get together, they talk about Form and Structure and Meaning. When artists get together, they talk about where you can buy cheap turpentine.”— Pablo Picasso
10
“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”— Rodney Dangerfield
00
“Everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an a-----e is a horrible meal.”— Chris Rock
Source:http://comediansincarsgettingcoffee.com/chris-rock-kids-n...
00
“It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.”— Michael Scott
00
“When people are very quotable, it can make it harder to listen to what they actually have to say.”— Maciej Cegłowski
Source:https://static.pinboard.in/xoxo_talk_thoreau.htm
31
“Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.”— Steve Jobs
20
“Flattery is like cologne; water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”— Josh Billings
20
“I think that Obama is very cool. And I think he's clever, and I think he can be witty. But I don't think he's funny in either the way that Reagan was funny - or John McCain and Dick Cheney are both funny in that ruthless, kind of mean way.”— Mo Rocca
21
“90% of the game is half mental.”— Yogi Berra
Context:As a general comment about baseball.
Source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra#Quotations
10
“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”— Mitch Hedberg
10
“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”— Woody Allen
10
“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.”— Yogi Berra
10
“After all is said and done - more is said than done.”
10
“The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and seal.”— Mark Twain
11
Elwood: “Baby clothes.”
Jake: “This place has got everything.”
Context:When they're driving through the inside of a shopping mall while being chased by police.
Source:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIdGxR-aU6o&t=1m20s
11
“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”— Woody Allen
11
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.”— Bob Hope
11
“By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.”— Richard Dawkins
00
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”— Groucho Marx
00
“My size has helped make me an amazing performer too. The cliche of the Funny Fat Friend: I absolutely was that character - I am that character... It's a complicated bag of tools I acquired, and I've put them all to work onstage.”— Beth Ditto