969 private quotes tagged funny

“I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde

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“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” — Oscar Wilde

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“If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.” — Douglas Adams

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“I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen.” — Mark Twain

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“Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.” — Stephen Hawking

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“It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.” — Oscar Wilde

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“Never let your schooling interfere with your education.” — Mark Twain

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“Critics are men who sit and watch a battle from a high place and come down to shoot the survivors.” — Ernest Hemingway

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“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” — E. B. White

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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” — Oscar Wilde

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“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” — Mark Twain

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“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

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“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.” — Bertrand Russell

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“I had a cat once, but every time I tried to give him a bath, the fur stuck to my tongue.” — Murdock

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“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” — Jerry Seinfeld

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“People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.” — Logan P. Smith

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“I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.” — Dwight Schrute

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“I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott

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“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.” — Mark Twain

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Jake: “How often does the train go by?”
Elwood: “So often you won't even notice it.”

Context:While visiting Elwood's tiny apartment in Chicago, which abuts a busy train line.

Source:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S65lJGs7YC8&t=9s

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“Before I speak, I have something important to say.” — Groucho Marx

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“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.” — Timothy Leary

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“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.” — Groucho Marx

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“Get the facts first. You can distort them later.” — Mark Twain

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“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance” — Franklin P. Adams

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