969 private quotes tagged funny

10
“I can resist everything except temptation.”— Oscar Wilde
13
“If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have on your hands is a non-working cat.”— Douglas Adams
10
“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”— Oscar Wilde
41
“I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen.”— Mark Twain
10
“It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.”— Oscar Wilde
10
“Life would be tragic if it weren't funny.”— Stephen Hawking
11
“Never let your schooling interfere with your education.”— Mark Twain
20
“Critics are men who sit and watch a battle from a high place and come down to shoot the survivors.”— Ernest Hemingway
22
“I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.”— E. B. White
10
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”— Oscar Wilde
11
“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.”— Mark Twain
12
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
10
“The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”— Bertrand Russell
10
“I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”— Michael Scott
10
“I had a cat once, but every time I tried to give him a bath, the fur stuck to my tongue.”— Murdock
10
“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”— Jerry Seinfeld
10
“People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.”— Logan P. Smith
10
“I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.”— Dwight Schrute
11
“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”— Mark Twain
12
Jake: “How often does the train go by?”
Elwood: “So often you won't even notice it.”
Context:While visiting Elwood's tiny apartment in Chicago, which abuts a busy train line.
Source:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S65lJGs7YC8&t=9s
00
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.”— Groucho Marx
00
“I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.”— Taylor Swift
00
“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.”— Timothy Leary
01
“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”— Groucho Marx
40
“Get the facts first. You can distort them later.”— Mark Twain