“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
Topic
funny
969 quotes
Quotes, most loved first
“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.”
“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.”
“Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.”
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”
“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.”
“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.”
“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.”
“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”
“One picture is worth 1,000 denials.”
“I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.”
“I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.”
“In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.”
“I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.”
“There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.”
“I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.”
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
“I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.”
“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”
“I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.”
“I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.”
“Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.”