969 private quotes tagged funny

“The superfluous, a very necessary thing.”— Voltaire

“There's a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.”— Tennessee Williams

“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”— Calvin Coolidge

“Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don’t think that this is a coincidence.”

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”— Mark Twain

“That's what I do. I drink and I know things.”— Tyrion Lannister

Source:Game of Thrones

“It only takes one drink to get me drunk. I can just never remember if it's the eighth or ninth.”— George Burns

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”— Mitch Hedberg

“It's so crowded, nobody goes there.”— Yogi Berra

Context:On why he no longer goes to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant.

Source:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra#Quotations

“I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.”— Robin Williams

“It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't like you, you're going to know about it.”— Julia Roberts

“Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.”— Chris Rock

“No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12.”— Rowan Atkinson

“A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.”— Groucho Marx

“I'm only late three or four times once a month.”— Chumlee

Source:Pawn Stars, Season 8, Episode 32. TV.

“And let that be a lesson to you all. Nobody beats Vitas Gerulaitis 17 times in a row.”— Vitas Gerulaitis

Context:After winning the 17th game against Jimmy Connors, who had beat him the previous 16 games.

“If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”— Jack Lemmon

“Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.”— Luis Bunuel

“The only thing I know of whose shortened form — www — takes three times longer to say than what it's short for.”— Douglas Adams

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”— Fran Lebowitz

“Polite conversation is rarely either.”— Fran Lebowitz

“I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and it's all wrong in the book, and I giggle. It's funny.”— Jonathan Davis

“You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character.”— David R. Ellis

“There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.”— Kevin James

“There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.”— Christopher Walken