969 private quotes tagged funny

“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.”— Frank Lloyd Wright

“If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.”— Marcelene Cox

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”— Bill Maher

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”— Billy Connolly

“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”— Brooke Shields

“Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.”— Robert Byrne

“My life needs editing.”— Mort Sahl

“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”— James Thurber

“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.”— Fred Allen

“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.”— Lewis Black

“Communism is like one big phone company.”— Lenny Bruce

“The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.”— Joe E. Lewis

“Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.”— Alfred Hitchcock

“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.”— Elayne Boosler

“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”— Jerry Seinfeld

“Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.”— Cathy Guisewite

“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.”— Laurence J. Peter

“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”— Dennis Miller

“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”— Naguib Mahfouz

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”— Rita Rudner

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”— Rita Rudner

“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?”— Margaret Smith

“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”— Spike Milligan

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”— Les Dawson

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”— Gloria Steinem