969 private quotes tagged funny

“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.”— Fred Allen

“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.”— Lewis Black

“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”— Henny Youngman

“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.”— Ellen DeGeneres

“One man's folly is another man's wife.”— Helen Rowland

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”— Robert Benchley

“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”— Steve Martin

“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”— Joan Rivers

“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”— Joan Rivers

“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”— Ellen DeGeneres

“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”— Rob Corddry

“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.”— Samuel Goldwyn

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”— Jerry Seinfeld

“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!”— Steve Martin

“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.”— Bette Davis

“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”— Jay Leno

“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.”— Joe Rogan

“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.”— Robert Orben

“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”— Emo Philips

“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”— Tracey Ullman

“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”— William Lyon Phelps

“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”— Robin Williams

“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.”— Henry A. Kissinger

“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.”— Bette Davis

“Men are only as loyal as their options.”— Bill Maher