969 private quotes tagged funny

“Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.”— Marilyn vos Savant

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”— Eddie Izzard

“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”— Jay London

“I wish I had the nerve not to tip.”— Paul Lynde

“I like marriage. The idea.”— Toni Morrison

“I'm not funny. What I am is brave.”— Lucille Ball

“Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.”— James Thurber

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”— Spike Milligan

“If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.”— Mel Brooks

“I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”— Jack Benny

“When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.”— Richard Lewis

“When I was a kid I didn't feel like I fit in because - this is really silly and I probably shouldn't say it, but, I didn't think anything was funny. So I used to go home and literally cry to my mom and my step-dad at the time and I didn't think anything was funny. I couldn't laugh.”— Courteney Cox

“Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible.”— Elisha Cuthbert

“That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny.”— Jennifer Aniston

“I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am.”— Jennifer Aniston

“Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day.”— Jennifer Aniston

“I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.”— Hillary Clinton

“I read a lot of scripts that I just don't find very funny.”— Jennifer Aniston

“If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.”— Hillary Clinton