969 private quotes tagged funny

“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”— Casey Stengel

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.”— Oscar Levant

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”— Henry A. Kissinger

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”— Billy Connolly

“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”— Joe E. Lewis

“The next time you have a thought... let it go.”— Ron White

“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”— Imelda Marcos

“It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.”— Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”— Bill Vaughan

“My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”— Spike Milligan

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”— Clint Eastwood

“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.”— Saint Augustine

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”— Mel Brooks

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”— Erma Bombeck

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”— Emo Philips

“He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.”— Zsa Zsa Gabor

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”— Walt Disney

“Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.”— Jerry Lewis

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”— Phyllis Diller

“When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.”— Jane Wagner

“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”— Rita Rudner

“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.”— Hesiod

“You see much more of your children once they leave home.”— Lucille Ball

“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.”— Tallulah Bankhead

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”— Robert Benchley