“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
Topic
funny
969 quotes
Quotes, most loved first
“Never floss with a stranger.”
“If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.”
“Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.”
“Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.”
“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.”
“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”
“I like marriage. The idea.”
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
“God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”
“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?”
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
“Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.”
“Communism is like one big phone company.”
“There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.”
“There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.”
“Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?”
“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”
“When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.”
“I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.”
“I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.”
“Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.”
“I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.”