“I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.”
Topic
funny
969 quotes
Quotes, most loved first
“TV is chewing gum for the eyes.”
“I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.”
“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!”
“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
“If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.”
“I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.”
“Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.”
“Never fight an inanimate object.”
“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”
“I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.”
“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.”
“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.”
“If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?”
“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”
“Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.”
“That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.”
“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”
“Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?”
“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”
“The first time I sang in the church choir two hundred people changed their religion.”
“If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”
“If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”