“My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”
Topic
funny
969 quotes
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“A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.”
“When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.”
“The next time you have a thought... let it go.”
“It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.”
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
“All men are equal before fish.”
“I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.”
“California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.”
“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”
“My life needs editing.”
“Men are only as loyal as their options.”
“I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.”
“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”
“Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you she is after your barn.”
“People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.”
“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.”
“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”
“All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.”
“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”
“You see much more of your children once they leave home.”
“One man's folly is another man's wife.”
“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.”