“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
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funny
969 quotes
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“I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.”
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.”
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”
“Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”
“A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.”
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
“I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.”
“Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.”
“He taught me housekeeping when I divorce I keep the house.”
“If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?”
“I like children - fried.”
“I'm for whatever gets you through the night.”
“Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.”
“O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.”
“A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.”
“Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.”
“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”