969 private quotes tagged funny

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.” — Fran Lebowitz

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“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.” — Billy Connolly

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“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” — Henry A. Kissinger

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“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.” — Erma Bombeck

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“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.” — Oscar Levant

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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel

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“It's funny now how much we look at - whatever you want to call it: art, design, culture stuff, film - online, and how in the online world, you're instantly global.” — Mike Mills

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“You know what's funny to me? Attitude.” — Don Rickles

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“It's funny how social activists usually protest against the only things that have a credible chance of achieving the activists' goals.” — Craig Bruce

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“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey

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“A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” — Don Marquis

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“I have an all-Japanese design team, and none of them speak English. So it's often funny and surprising how my ideas end up lost in translation.” — Pharrell Williams

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“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” — P. J. O'Rourke

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“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.” — Hedy Lamarr

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“It's funny, though, speaking of fathers and sons, because me and John Goodman played father and son, like, five or six years ago in the film 'Death Sentence,' and I got back with him again in 'Inside Llewyn Davis.'” — Garrett Hedlund

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“I know what Germans are. They are a funny people. They are always choosing someone to lead them in a direction which they do not want to go.” — Gertrude Stein

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“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

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“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” — Isaac Asimov

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“And, in a funny way, each death is different and you mourn each death differently and each death brings back the death you mourned earlier and you get into a bit of a pile-up.” — Nigella Lawson

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“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin

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“Polite conversation is rarely either.” — Fran Lebowitz

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“Funny is an attitude.” — Flip Wilson

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“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” — Henny Youngman

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“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.” — Frank Sinatra

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“I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully.” — Jo Brand

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