Steven Wright

“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”

“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”