P. J. O'Rourke

“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.”

“The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.”

“Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.”

“The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.”

“If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.”

“Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.”

“Fiscal conservatism is just an easy way to express something that is a bit more difficult, which is that the size and scope of government, and really the size and scope of politics in our lives, has grown uncomfortable, unwieldy, intrusive and inefficient.”

“What would annoy the most people most often? That is the true left-wing test of government intervention.”

“We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans.”

“The inherent purpose of American government is let people seek their own goals and to encourage them to be responsible on the various adventures they have on their way to those goals, good, bad, and otherwise.”

“If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.”

“The great thing about being a print journalist is that you are permitted to duck. Cameramen get killed while the writers are flat on the floor. A war correspondent for the BBC dedicated his memoir to 50 fallen colleagues, and I guarantee you they were all taking pictures. I am only alive because I am such a chicken.”

“Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.”

“Little islands of human happiness, peace, and prosperity are so exceptional at this point in history that I'm not even sure we can draw lessons from them.”

“Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies.”

“No humorist is under any obligation to provide answers and probably if you were to delve into the literary history of humour it's probably all about not providing answers because the humorist essentially says: this is the way things are.”

“One of the enduring problems with certain societies in the world - and this is certainly true of a lot of places in the Middle East - is that the capacity for self-governance and self-organizing just isn't there. It has to do with history.”

“I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it.”

“Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.”

“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.”

“Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.”

“There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.”

“You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.”

“Never wear anything that panics the cat.”