Author

Henny Youngman

19 quotes Popular first.

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“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”— Henny Youngman
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“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”— Henny Youngman
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“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”— Henny Youngman
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“I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”— Henny Youngman
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“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?”— Henny Youngman
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“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”— Henny Youngman
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“If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.”— Henny Youngman
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“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”— Henny Youngman
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“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”— Henny Youngman
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“What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.”— Henny Youngman
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“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”— Henny Youngman
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“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”— Henny Youngman
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“She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”— Henny Youngman
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“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”— Henny Youngman
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“I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.”— Henny Youngman
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“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”— Henny Youngman
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“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”— Henny Youngman
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“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.”— Henny Youngman
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“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.”— Henny Youngman