Woody Allen

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.”

“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

“I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

“Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“I am two with nature.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”