Ron White

“Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.”

“There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.”

“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.”

“The next time you have a thought... let it go.”

“I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.”

“I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.”

“I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.”

“I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.”

“You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.”

“I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.”

“People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.”

“But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.”