Groucho Marx

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”

“It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“Women should be obscene and not heard.”