Erma Bombeck

“Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”

“Children make your life important.”

“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

“Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.”

“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”

“It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.”

“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”

“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

“I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.”

“I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'”

“I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.”

“Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.”

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”