David Letterman

“Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.”

“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”

“There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.”

“I cannot sing, dance or act what else would I be but a talk show host.”

“We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.”

“Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?”

“The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.”

“It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?”