Dave Barry

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”

“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”

“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.”

“The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”

“The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.”

“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”

“Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.”

“Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”

“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”

“The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.”

“I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”

“Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”