Ambrose Bierce

“Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.”

“Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.”

“Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.”

“Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.”

“The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.”

“Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.”

“Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.”

“Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.”

“Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.”

“Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.”

“Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.”

“Architect. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.”

“Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.”

“Patriotism. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.”

“Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.”

“Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.”

“Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.”

“Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.”

“Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.”

“Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.”

“Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.”

“Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.”

“Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.”

“Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.”