Ambrose Bierce

“Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.”

“Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.”

“Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.”

“Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.”

“Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.”

“History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.”

“Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.”

“Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.”

“Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.”

“Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.”

“Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.”

“Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.”

“Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.”

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”

“Experience is a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age.”

“Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.”

“To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.”

“Childhood: the period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth - two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.”

“Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.”

“Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.”

“Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.”

“We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.”

“Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.”

“The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.”